Finding Sanity

Sanityfound… a name that has been with me for almost two decades, and finding sanity is a mission that is taking me just as long. When I was younger, I had the innate belief that sanity could indeed be found; it was just around the corner waiting for me to find it, just like a pot of gold at the bottom of the rainbow.

As the years ticked by and bad choices happened oh boy, there were many I came to the realization that sanity is an illusion that we seek. Why do I call it an illusion? Because we are all told that the true definition of sanity is the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner.

It took me many decades not that anyone is counting to be able to officially call bull sugar (I’m being polite) on the definition. No, sanity is in fact something that lives quietly within each of us, it is only found when we are living our truth and following our passions.

That, right there, is sanity.

So what does finding sanity look like?

For me, it was going through many darker than dark years, realizing that my arrogance in thinking that I’ve made more progress within myself than I truly had, and slowly rebuilding myself back up in the image of myself, and no one else, that helped me find it.

Oh, I was truly arrogant at one point, thinking that I was untouchable after all the hard inner work I’d completed. Hah, well, life has a way of knocking you down and whispering ever so quietly in your ear… “Oh honey, here is a little more for you to go through, and learn from; let’s help you find humility through growth once again.”

Darker than dark years? That’s a story for a different day, if ever. Just know that I put myself through the same situations I ran from for so many years. In 2019, I found myself on my knees, literally in a puddle of my own tears, wondering how on earth I’d allowed myself to be in the situation I was in all over again. This time, it was worse than ever before.

In truth, I went through a grieving process for the person I could’ve been.

How to find sanity

Through all of those dark moments, I realized one of the greatest hidden truths that we are never told, and that is… each and every one of us, each and every day, is becoming who we are meant to be, our true ultimate selves. As we keep learning, we keep evolving, finding out what we are good at and what we don’t like. Finding our sanity.

Think of it this way… It’s a bit like looking at a menu of foods you have never tried before; you know absolutely nothing or how to pronounce anything. There are so many items to try, some of which you may like and some of which you may not. But as you taste your way through the entire menu, item by item, you find out what brings a smile to your face, what fills your soul, and what makes you want to run a mile like Usain Bolt.

With every day that passes by, we are finding our own sanity, we are finding ourselves.

So, yes, I mourned the person I could’ve been, but now I am also celebrating the person I am becoming.

Finding sanity is a life-long mission

Although I have said it many times, it deserves repeating. Finding sanity is within us all. And, even though it may feel like an impossible mission at the best of times, it is one that we all ultimately seek. With each step we take, we come closer to the sanity within. As we get closer we will find ourselves having more soul-filling moments, ones that put a smile not only on our faces but in our eyes as well.

So… keep seeking out what brings you joy. Keep seeking out your truth. Put what isn’t working on the shelf for another day and keep seeking out who you really are, both the good and the bad.

Seek your truth and find your sanity.

My current quest for sanity

Since the dark days of 2019, I have picked up a paintbrush once again and have found that, like never before, it brings me so much joy to paint. It is something that fills my soul, expands my mind, and shares my true love of wildlife and nature with the world. Just maybe my path to sanity includes painting…

One of my first paintings upon my re-emergence was of an elephant I met in South Africa. She came towards my safari vehicle without a care in the world, she was so confident and, in her stature, so strong and kind. Qualities that I wanted to reignite within myself.

When I first started painting her I decided she’d be multi-colored, but as I got halfway through, I realized that she truly wanted to be the color of growth. Orange. Just like the me I was growing towards. I painted over the rainbow colors, leaving just a smidge of the green showing because we are all multi colored/multi-faceted underneath what the world likes to see.

We are all evolving into our true selves.

We are all finding sanity and becoming our own sanity.

P.S. Always listen to what others tell you with your proverbial sunglasses on, if what they say doesn’t fit, they may just be reflecting their own inabilities onto you. You know you, you really do.

* I am not a psychologist nor a specialist, just someone writing about the lessons I have come across in this lifetime, the travels I find myself on, and the thoughts that cross my mind upon my quest towards finding sanity.