Have you ever found yourself in a place where the stillness envelops every part of your being? A place where your mind stills, your heartbeat seems to be in rhythm with your feet as you meander along the path ahead. In those moments, nature speaks—not as someone else, nor as if you’ve gone and lost your marbles… but, if you give it a chance, it truly speaks to the innermost parts of you.
I was in the mountains recently, and the following came to me in one such moment. At the start of the walk, I was wondering if it was indeed a human path that I was following or that of a bear (such is my mind and my propensity for finding wildlife with teeth). The sky was the bluest blue with a smattering of clouds, the air was pure without the clutter of human pollution, and the daisies were popping up out of the drought-ridden ground. All I could hear was the stillness that only nature can provide.
It started ever so slowly, a whisper within my mind, within my soul…
I gave the ocean my tears, and it whispered back to me… I can take more.
I gave the mountain my fears, and it whispered back to me… you’ve got this.
I gave the river my woes, and it whispered back to me… go with the flow.
I told the sun about the night, and it whispered back to me… let’s keep things light.
Nature must’ve had a clue that I was about to put myself through one of the hardest tests of my life. One of my own making, but one that I was ready to embrace. In the past, I wrote about taking my PTSD on the road, and by now, you’re probably once again scratching your head and wondering if I, Sanityfound, am about to divulge my darkest, deepest secrets yet again, just as I did in that post.
The short answer is… quite possibly, yes. In my defense, it is, just as that post came to be, for good reason.
Science has progressed since I wrote that article about my PTSD and how travel saved my life. Yes, science is real, and not only that of microbes and vaccines. It is also about how the mind works and, more importantly, how trauma can affect each and every one of us. Not one human being walking this planet is immune, so sit your proverbial … down and pull up a chair.
Disclaimer: I write this for those who need to hear it, for those who are on the fence, and for those who don’t know it exists. It is based on my own opinion and experience. I am not a professional of any kind, just a human sharing their experience in case it helps those who need to hear it in some shape or form.
I have spent the last two decades since building this home for Sanityfound exploring life, humanity, communities, the world, and learning. So much learning. But during those two decades, I have also learnt, relearnt, stubbed my proverbial toes, and then gone on to repeat all the mistakes I swore never to make again.
I have trusted the wrong people. I have put myself into situations that were dangerous. I’ve been reckless. I have followed the patterns I once thought were broken forever. I was naive in my arrogance, thinking that all the hard work had paid off. I can semi-laugh about it now, semi. The funny thing about mistakes… well, they’re not actually mistakes, but rather learnt responses that self-program themselves into other situations that the mind thinks are similar. So there I was, living and thinking, man, oh man, okay, I’m getting the hang of this thing called life… until I wasn’t.
I was once again on my knees, my world bombarding me with the fact that if I didn’t do something, and something now, the rest of my entire life, however long it might be, would be just one long, continuous torment, going around and around in circles with my Humpty Dumpty soul. Sounds dramatic, but it was my reality. I felt like this tree to the right.
If you’ve been there, you’ll know that moment when you’re sitting on the floor, holding your legs as tightly as possible, with your eyes squeezed shut so tightly that you almost get a headache from the strain. That moment when the world feels like it is crashing into you, bombarding your every sense, slowly suffocating you out of existence. Colorful wording, but truth.
Bear with me here for a moment. It has been too long since I put words to paper or, for that matter, since I have been so blatantly open and vulnerable.
In steps EMDR. It sounds fancy and even perhaps a little psychedelic, I know, but it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a structured psychotherapy designed to help people heal from the symptoms and emotional distress caused by complex, traumatic life experiences. Okay, yes, it sounds fancy, but honestly, it isn’t. It also doesn’t involve any kind of drugs, so a win for EMDR in an overmedicated world that likes to medicate the symptoms and not get to the root of the problem.
So, exactly what is it? EMDR uses bilateral stimulation, which has you focusing on the distressing memory while your therapist guides you through side-to-side eye movements, hand taps, or tones. This stimulation helps your brain reprocess the stuck memories so that they lose their intense emotional charge, and if your therapist is as badass as mine, they then help you replace the ingrained negative belief with a positive one.
I am worthless becomes I am worthy of being treated with respect, love, kindness, and compassion.
I am useless becomes I am capable, I can learn, and I am worthy.
I am helpless becomes I am learning to say no, I can say no, and I can speak up.
You can start to fill in the blanks from there.
All of those negative beliefs we subconsciously learnt as kids through emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse form the framework we take into our adult lives. We use that framework to determine whom we date, marry, or befriend. We also use that framework to determine how we manage money, what we study, and where our lives go.
So, does it actually work? I’ve been in the proverbial war zone for three months now, and the short answer is… for me, yes. Is it worth it? Yes.
I’m not going to lie. Regressing into each trauma time and time again until it is a little scar upon your soul is not for the faint of heart. But—and it is a big BUT—with each single trauma that you face head-on with the guidance of a qualified therapist, it becomes less and less emotionally tied to who you are today. The weight that you’ve been carrying for so long literally feels as though it physically lifts off your proverbial shoulders, one trauma at a time.
For those who have gone through trauma, it can seem like a mountain that we don’t want to climb. Living in the comfort of our pain is much easier.
Until it isn’t.
Until it affects those we love deeply.
Until we are shells.
Think of each trauma as a festering wound. With each EMDR session, you start to remove the infection. Yes, it’s painful, but once all of that infection has been taken out, the scar that remains reminds you that it happened. But, and this is the most important part, it also reminds you that you are a warrior. It reminds you that you have more strength within you than you knew was possible. You are a warrior.
After three months, I can tell you, one trauma survivor to another, that it is a challenge worth accepting with both hands. I know that because of the nature of my many traumas I am in it for the long road, but who I am three months on this new journey, is someone with less of a burden and more power to say no. My trigger responses are slowly becoming less “auto responses” and more critical thinking responses. I am someone who is starting to realize that what was done to me wasn’t because of me, but because of them.
So, to cut a long story short (I know, I am still wordy!), why must the past own our present or our future? Why must our pasts affect our kids, our loved ones, and, most importantly, ourselves?
I will always have my traumas, but they don’t, nor should they, own who I am today.
We are warriors who deserve not to have our past own us.
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